这是我从自己的回忆库里找出来的，写于去年那段不堪回首的过渡期。

心动
~献给曾经心动的人
~~还有，曾经让我心动的人

如果相识是缘份，那分手是不是也是注定的呢？人与人之间的一切，好像发生得自然又简单，可是却又不竟然。。。

开始动笔前，深怕会扭曲原曲（戏）所要带出的深远意义。
但还是执著的写了。

从小就喜欢看戏。
看的戏好多，好杂。
有时候是闷了才看，有时候是看影评得好便盲目去看。
年轻的有时候，是为了唱有时候的梁咏琪而看。
父母说我是盲目，同学说我愚痴。
只有一个人和我一样，一样盲，一样痴。我想那人读到这里，应该也会心一笑。

第一次看这部戏，抱歉，我买了盗版磁碟。
看的是很模糊，有人头在摆动的版本。
那时这戏还没上大马的戏院，等不了，不好意思。
就算上了，我没办法看，那时的我还十八未到。

电影里的男女主角很青涩，不知天高地厚可能是最好的形容词。
九年前的我，不明白人为何可以如此不顾一切。
九年后吗，我重看了这部戏，心动不已，心痛更无法言喻。

可能是心中的畏惧，也可能是巧合的情节。
如果有一天，我放弃的，还有我错过的，是最能让我心动的人，结果会是怎样？
我确实没有那冲动让我驱赶懦弱，争取想要的。
或许应该这样说吧，我过于理智。
感情是不可以斗量的，更不知它的动力会在刹那间把你推向悬崖。
爱因斯坦对战贝多芬，根本就是不对称的较量。
可能我是爱因斯坦，无法了解贝多芬这难以捉摸的对手。

如果你不明白不情愿又不得已放手的感觉是怎样，让我告诉你：它让你午夜梦回都出现同一情节，你被遗弃在沙滩上，喊破喉咙，却没人施予援手。

人都说年少轻狂时的爱情是豁出去的，好多时候给的是110%。
这让我摸不着头脑，我是个年过20又很理智的人，为什么每一次，我都把自己的感情存款放进去，还会借贷款，欠得自己满身债。
到最后，眼泪流干，感情掏空，我就是那样坐在镜子前看着自己哭肿的双眼。
过去真的可以让它过去吗？
我们无法忘记一起的经历，更无法磨灭曾经的欢笑和泪水。
尤其是泪水，它让人对它爱不释手，经常回来光顾你细心经营的脆弱心灵。

闭上双眼，我还可以看见熟悉的脸孔，还有曾经让我悸动的双手。

有多久没见你
以为你在那里
原来 就住在我的心底
陪伴着我的呼吸
有多远的距离
以为闻不到你的气息
谁知道你背影这么长
回头 就看到你
过去让它过去
来不及
从头喜欢你
白云缠绕着蓝天
如果
不能够永远都在一起
也至少给我们
怀念的勇气
拥抱的权利
好让你明白
我心动的痕迹总是想再见你
还试着打探你的消息
原来
你就住在我的身体
守护我的回忆

如果这歌是我的心声，我想失去你，便是留给自己最后的回忆。

在我开始前，我要谢谢Hong Lee和我的室友给我这个机会！

1）我是个“有样学样”的小朋友，正所谓monkey sees monkey learns，我时常怀疑自己很多的兴趣是耳濡目染之下培养出来的。
2）我曾经承诺（自己）要在年届三十之前考取博士学位，看来这又是另一个泡影了。
3）我不修边幅得有点让人不敢恭维，房间有点像乱葬岗，桌上堆满书、DVD、钥匙堆、散钱等等， 头发有点像一堆草，穿着睡衣到处跑。
4）我宜静宜动，但最近通常都是处于静态修养期，因为老化期提前找上门，骨骼疏松，不宜像脱兔般灵活。
5）我深信姜是老的辣，都喜欢老得很man的男人，可能是自己过度渴望长大，造成妄想症，觉得年龄相等于魅力。
6）我常说自己的寂寞抵抗力很高，但却时常很懊恼朋友越来越少，一个人吃饭很可怜，一个人看戏很悲哀。
7）我很喜欢看电影，喜欢看具争议性的， 像Milk；笑剧、非写实或天马行空的我也不会嫌多。
8）音乐是调剂品，是生活的动力，是创作灵感的发源体，没有音乐我想我不能活。
9）我开车很慢，因为我怕死，又时常幻想驾得快会有无妄之灾，如车轮脱落，刹车器失灵。
10)我有妄想症，成天幻想自己可以成为沿着梦想道路走下去的旅记，写下每一个足迹的故事。
11）最近热爱拍照，拿着自己所拍的照片，洋洋得意，总是觉得别人在自己的镜头下很自然。
12）有时候花钱没有三思，时常因为发现签卡数额过高而把自己吓了一跳，然后悔意就开始发酵。
13）我超喜欢运动，但只是“观看”，而不是参与，总觉得自己笨手笨脚，球往东我就会往西。
14）我有个美好的家庭，虽然爸爸爱讲道理，妈妈爱唠叨，弟弟不多话。
15）自己其实有时候很懒惰，希望不需要工作便有钱从天上掉下来，所以有成为坐在家爬格子赚钱的作家这个不切实际的梦想。
16）自己的情绪容易受波动，一时亢奋，一时低落，可能是家里风水不好，室友好像有类似的怪病。
17）以前喜欢看痞子蔡，觉得他的文字尖酸刻薄得来很有让人闻之起舞的魅力。
18）希望有朝一日可以买辆迷你Cooper，让自己成为小巧玲珑的代言人。
19）酒精对我来说是可以启发灵感的，庆幸自己并没有对毒品可以带来的境界有所期待。
20）觉得自己的工作无聊又刻板， 黑白银幕总是在面前闪呀闪，数字总是追着我来打，救命！
21）我总是记性很好，十几年前发生的事好想昨天的故事，就连别人在睡醒后总忘记的噩梦，我也会记得那细节。
22）我总觉得好的缘分可遇不可求，所以总是让很多机会化为乌有。
23）总是觉得自己有文艺气息，写的字，唱的歌，就连自己的部落格都文艺得有点不知所谓- 冷漠与热情之间！
24）我讨厌人家说我闲着没事做，尤其是那些有一小撮的芝麻绿豆工作的，最好少来跟我说他们忙，说我闲空！
25）我觉得写作可以让我发泄心中的闷气，锻炼文笔，开拓视野，结交朋友，数之不尽的好处，就像我现在一样，一边写，一边觉得你会跟着读到这里实在非常难得！

My fingers are freezing, with my cough getting terribly annoying. I have started coughing the minute I stepped into my cubicle, lost my appetite of having my routine-8 breakfast with my peers, skipping lunch as well. I bet those sitting nearby, especially folks who had meetings on the phone might have cursed me. (or maybe they would pray for me?)

Sometimes even by sitting here doesn't mean that I have NOTHING to do, you know? This is for those who always dropped by to say "Hello" and "You look so free?!". I felt real irritated for a week or so, and soon I lost my patience and adamancy to even be bothered. I hate to hate people, it consumes some energy. I have had enough today, receiving some tasks and to be completed by end of today, by just SITTING here. I wanna get out from here, I hear myself yelling.

So I am alone at my cubicle as cold as a malfunction fridge. Just hope someone could rescue me. Kelly Clarkson maybe?

I can tell,
I can tell,
How much you hate this.
Deep down inside,
You know its killing me.
I can call, wish you well,
And try to change this.
But nothing I can say,
Would change anything.
Where were my senses?
I left them all behind.
Why did I turn away?
I wish I could save you.
I wish I could say to you,
Im not going nowhere.
I wish I could say to you,
Its gonna be alright.
I didnt mean,
Didnt mean,
To leave you stranded.
Went away cause I,
Didnt want to face the truth.
Reaching out,
Reach for me,
Empty handed.
You dont know if I care.
Youre trying to find the proof.
There were times Id wonder,
Could I have eased your pain?
Why did I turn away?
We can pretend nothings changed.
Pretend its all the same.
And there will be no pain,
Tonight.
Its gonna be alright.

Save you - Kelly C.

Do you ever feel like breaking down? Yes.
Do you ever feel out of place? Yes.
Like somehow you just don't belong And no one understands you.
Do you ever wanna run away? Yes.
Do you lock yourself in your room? Yes.
With the radio on turned up so loud, that no one hears you screaming.

At this time of the day I should be sleeping soundly in my bed.
When people are supposed to be home, having lovely dinners with family after work, I was still toiling in the lab, moving my fingers, scratching my head to finish up my lengthy and tedious jobs.
I need a break from my life! Gimme a break.

Dear ______ ,

It takes me a lot of courage to write you a letter. I don't even have a good memory how you look like now, as I was too scared to look at your picture, the pictures that we took together.

That was a good summer, isn't it? Stuffy in the desert and chilly up north. I spent the 90 days of my life, doing the best that I like, and appreciating what we've gone through together. I confided in you, I thought you had the best elements that could rock my world to pieces.

Yet, how cruel that reality is. If it's meant for you, it's gonna be yours no matter what. Even those flowers grew well in the glass house, the storm came by and ripped off the sanctuary. Those petals on the ground signaled the start of snow in August.

There was time that I cried out loud in the dark. Sometimes I teared without knowing when I could rest my blurry eyes, my chaotic mind. Time and time again I dipped myself in total melancholy.

I wish you could read this? As I am here to tell you that the rainbow somehow appeared when I thought all hope was lost. Thanks to my friends, they dragged me out of sorrows whenever I fell, and they told me how faith could make myself a different person.

Hope this eventually reach you. Thanks for the love you have shared. It had enriched my life in a way that I could look back and be grateful of having you.

Love,

______ .